“Gentle Deception”
A few months back, I was taking my kids to school. My son Jonathan is 5 and my daughter Morgan is 9. We live approximately 20 minutes south of Bellingham, which makes for quality time together provided everyone cooperates. Like most parents, I’m always secretly trying to create ways to make things fun and exciting for my kids. This also helps to start my day off right. If I do not do this, they will create something to entertain themselves and this is not always to my liking.
Jonathan made the comment “Hey dad, look at all the volcanoes!” I said to him, “Yes, aren’t they neat. I wonder when they all became volcanoes?” I was ready to launch into an imaginary scene where people a long time ago use to slide down the volcanoes on their way to school instead of driving an automobile. I pictured green slime coming out of the volcanoes and strange creatures that lived inside them. We could have a conversation all the way to school about volcanoes. Except my daughter Morgan busted my ploy! She said, “Those aren’t volcanoes silly, those are mountains!” His moment had ended.
Between the ages of 2 and 7, children are still trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not. They live in the moment! I simply love this age because it is the age of imagination. All one has to do to entertain them is to enter into their sense of reality and support the moment. Yes, there are times when one might say I am lying to my child for doing this. What is wrong with make believe? I know my son just loves it when I play with him on his level and I feel good about it too because I know he is content. We can play for hours on end as long as I stay in his imaginary world. I call this “Gentle Deception”. Now that my daughter is 9, she is starting to get further away from my son’s sense of reality. She is becoming more interested in what is real and what the future holds. Her reality is becoming more like mine and someday, my son’s will too.
By nature, we are driven to grow and improve upon our base of knowledge. People with dementia have grown to their highest level of knowledge and then, they are stricken with this disease that robs them of their ability to learn knew things. They are now going back in time to when they lived life in the moment again. As caregivers, we need to think back to when we had children who lived life for the moment. If we do this often and do it well, it will be much easier to overlook their deficits. When I am working with families, I always encourage them to have fun with this. Some however, have a difficult time with the concept. They feel uncomfortable not telling the truth to their loved one. One client of mine said “ I’ve always been straight with my wife and she expects that of me!” Had I been straight with my 5 year old son, I would of taken away his sense of what he thought was real and insisted he understand what I think is real.
When I work with people who have dementia, I always have to be prepared to get creative. A few weeks ago, I was at a special care facility where only people with moderate to advanced dementia reside. It has a locked door with a keypad next to it. In order to leave, you must know the code and be able to input it correctly. As I entered the code and proceeded to walk through the door I heard a women say, “Where are we going?” Instead of saying, “You don’t belong out here”; I went straight for the plate of cookies sitting in the lobby. I picked up the plate and handed them to her. I then told her I was just getting the cookies so that we could share them with everyone. Even though I did not know this person, I knew that sharing is something she had more than likely learned a long time ago. She was obviously good at sharing, she turned right around and walked back to where her friends were sitting and proceeded to pass out cookies.
I have a client who could no longer drive. He was not safe on the road and he was getting lost more frequently. One of the family members was savvy enough to make the engine in his truck inoperable. Each time I visit my client, he asks me if I could help him get his truck running. My response must accomplish the goal of allowing him to keep his dignity while preventing him from driving his truck. I always use the same response because I know he cannot remember the last time we talked about it. As though I was an old shop buddy from his past I speak directly at him and say “Don’t we know a guy up the street who could fix your truck? Why don’t you give him a call!” I know this man very well and I know he would not be impolite and attempt to call the mechanic while I am there. I have eased his anxiety by giving him a solution to his problem for the moment. He will not remember whom to call after I am gone. This is the blessing in disguise that allows caregivers to master the art of Gentle Deception.
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