Basic Socializing Skills 101 from a Gerontology perspective Part II
The second basic counseling skill is “Empathy”. Empathy is often confused with the word “Sympathy” which pertains to sharing the feelings of others or to be affected by the nature of the problem. Unlike Empathy, Sympathy is felt on a deeper level. Once again, this information is basic and can be used or applied as you see fit. You can also improve your communications with everyone you meet by learning these skills.
Empathy: Intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another person. (Webster’s) In other words, the helper gets into a person’s world and looks from inside out rather than outside in. When you empathize with someone, you walk along side him or her instead of pushing or pulling them regardless of your own feelings. Empathy means understanding another person so well that you identify or feel like him or her. The Indians expressed it as: “Walking a mile in another person’s moccasins.” It is listening so intently and identifying so closely that you experience the other person’s situation, thoughts and emotions. Good therapists do this, so do good friends (Berger, 1987).
A good listener must respond, letting the talker know he/she was understood. This responding is empathy. It is even more complex than listening; no one is perfect. You don’t have to be perfect, but the more accurate an empathizer you can become, the better. Often, when we are upset, we want to express and share our feelings with an understanding person. So, the good empathizer focuses on the talker’s feelings, not on his/her actions or circumstances.
Let’s look at some of the purposes of empathy and why it is so important yet difficult to master.
1. It shows you care and that you understood the other person. Thus, people will enjoy talking to you and willopen up more. Imagine what this will do in your personal relationships!
2. If you have misunderstood, the talker can immediately correct your impressions. You learn more about people and what is holding them back from telling them the whole story.
3. It usually directs the conversation towards important emotional topics. It opens the gate!
4. It lets the talker know that you (the listener) accept him/her and will welcome more intimate conversation.
5. It invites him/her to tell his/her story and vent his/her feelings. This is the essence of reminiscing.
6. Since it is safe to talk about “deep” subjects, the talker can express feelings and self-explore, carefully considering all his/her deep-seated emotions, the reasons for those feelings and his/her options. Thus, it is therapeutic. You are beginning to get it!
7. It reduces our irritation with others because we understand. To understand is to forgive.
8. It may even reduce our prejudice or negative assumptions about others because we realize we now have ameans of finding out what another person is really like. Furthermore, we discover everyone is understandable. Do not assume you now have the power.
9. It fosters more meaningful, more helpful, closer friendships. People can actually trust you.
Empathy is one of the more important skills you will ever acquire especially when you are listening to someone with Dementia. It is amazing how few people do it well. If you can teach your children this, you will raise incredible people!
