Basic Socializing Skills 101 from a Gerontology perspective
1. Attending: to be present and ready to serve. (Webster’s)
Examples of good attending: Sharing a meal together, Prayer, Listening to anything they have to say. Non-Attending communicates disinterest, disrespect, abandonment, rejection, and arrogance. Communication is 55% facial, 38% verbal, and 7% non-verbal. Too often, we find ourselves wanting to jump right in and solve the problem. The moment you speak, you change that person’s agenda. Good attending communicates respect, availability, and reinforcement. The consequences of this are contentment, fulfillment, healing, togetherness and a collection of needed information to find, explore, and understand the problem. A note: If the person has dementia, good attending will often require you to listen to the same story over and over again. It is critical that you listen each and every time as though you have heard it for the first time. Things can become compounded when the person has poor hearing that cannot be remedied with a hearing device. Or what do we do when the person cannot see us?
Good attending is inherently designed to move the person from where they are to where they want to go. You can best accomplish this by being relaxed, have an open posture that conveys your intent, leaning slightly forward especially if they are hard of hearing, have consistent eye contact, and sit squarely. Something that’s very difficult for people to do is to allow for pauses no matter how long. Allow for strong feeling’s including tears, even if they are your own. Touch is critical to all of us. Our world of political correctness is killing us. If you are afraid of giving someone a hug or holding someones hand, ask for their permission. Think about the infant babies who die from the lack of touch.
So many people have such a difficult time just being with someone even though nothing is being said. Some of the best times I have had with friends and family are times when very few words were spoken. Just being present conveys to the other person that you desire to be with them because they mean something to you.
These are the 12 most common blocks to good listening: Comparing, Mind Reading, Rehearsing, Filtering, Judging, Dreaming, Identifying, Advising, Sparring, Being right at any cost, Derailing, and Placating. Avoid these pitfalls and you will be on your way.
Next time we will learn what the second skill is to socializing. It might be easier though to ask your grandparents.
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