Alzheimer’s Disease and Long Term Planning
A client I had been working with shared a letter with me she had received from her son who lives across the country. She cares for her husband who has Alzheimer’s disease. On this particular visit, she said that her son wanted them to move to the East Coast so that he could care for them. When I asked what he did for a living, she said he was a successful, but very busy Software Engineer. She had some concerns about a letter he had sent her and wanted to share it with me so that we could discuss it. I knew this would be interesting since most engineers are linear thinkers.
Keep in mind that this couple had only given some thought to the concept of moving to the East Coast in the past. At this time, they were not even remotely able or ready to take it to the next level. They have long standing relationships with their doctor’s, have an extensive social network, and a specialized dementia care program in which her husband attends two days a week, a program that specializes in increasing blood flow to the brain which has been proven to slow the progression of the disease. This program allows her to take a break during the day and it provides her husband with much needed socialization with people who are trained extensively in dementia care activities. Activities that increase blood flow to the brain include the following: Socializing, Diet, Monitoring of other conditions, Physical Exercise, Proper Diet, Exercises for the Brain, and Music.
Let’s take a look at an excerpt from the letter so that you yourself can examine his intentions. The names of the individuals as well as any other identifiers in the letter have been removed for privacy purposes otherwise; I have not changed a word from title to conclusion.
“Long term Planning for Mom and Dad” (This was the title of the letter)
“Premise:
Staying at 1234 Lane under the current conditions is not tenable for much longer-less than one and one-half years in the absence of persistent illness or significant crisis. At age 85, Mom is reaching the limits of her ability to maintain the house and care for Dad. A breaking point is on the horizon, and only if we become proactive will we be in the position to dictate the terms under which we live in the future rather than having those terms dictated to us by circumstances out of control.
A priority in our decision making is to be able to provide Dad with the quality of care and quality of life he currently enjoys. He receives extremely high quality care and thus he has to accept that in order to continue some semblance of such care, some sacrifices must be made.
Rationale:
Mom cooks, cleans, shops, drives, monitors medications, oversees all of Dads doctor’s appointments and handles the house along with everything relating to Dad. Some of these responsibilities are new as a result of Dad’s inability to drive, but most of them she has been upholding for decades. In either case, Mom is reaching the limits of her ability to maintain them. With each passing month, she is pushed closer to a breaking point at which she will be unable to provide care either for Dad or for herself. In short, Mom needs help!
Solution:
Either we begin using financial resources in Washington to hire help and alleviate the responsibilities on Mom, or we move Mom and Dad closer to family assistance. (Whose financial resources will be used?) Both options have drawbacks; no idyllic solutions exist. Either option we choose carries with it burdens and losses. For instance, the concern for the first option is the speed at which financial resources will be drained and the difficulty of maintaining safe and quality assistance. For this and other reasons, we believe the solution of relying on family help incurs the least amount of loss and maximizes the potential for gain. For this reason, we believe moving Mom and Dad to the East Coast is preferred.”
Unfortunately, parents are being subjected to this way of thinking everyday. The generation of people I have the honor of working with have several character traits in common. Lets take a closer look at the traits I admire the most: They keep their promises including “Until death do us part!”, They do not want to burden others with their problems, They have learned the hard way how to manage their money, They have a strong sense of commitment and loyalty to people they trust, It takes time and the correct actions to build their trust, They have a strong faith in a higher power, They understand the value of close relationships and understand that true love goes beyond what is on the surface, They understand that love is strengthened by the trials they have experienced together, They respect and listen to people who want to help them such as doctors, nurses, firemen, pastors, etc, They have a deep sense of honor for our country, They know how to laugh at themselves and with others, They still feel they are invincible, They have a strong desire to give and not take and they have humility, and above all else, they have a remarkable sense of grace!
Can you see these same traits in the letter written by the son to his parents? Something that is hard for most of us to understand is that it is impossible for us to know what others are thinking because we have not had the same experiences. Most of us were not raised by our grandparents, our parents were!
“Life is not about outcomes, but fragments of time in which we are designed to experience.” Reed Henry
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