Basic Socializing Skills 101 from a Gerontology perspective Part III
The third basic counseling skill is Confrontation. It is not unusual to think of confrontation as a negative experience or the perception of a negative experience. When somebody tells you they’ve had a confrontation, do you think about a tense, angry argument or possibly even a brawl? Most people do. Even my Webster’s Dictionary tells me that “confront” means “to come face to face with, especially with defiance or hostility.” In radical contrast, counseling textbooks refer to confrontation as “an act of grace” or “a true act of caring.” This is one of those annoying times when a specialized, professional use of a word is nearly opposite to the way people normally use it. Still, the concept of “appropriate” or “loving” confrontation is critical to what counselors, family members, good friends, and spouses do.
In order for this to work though, we must have utilized our previous skills of attending and empathy first. Confrontation means telling people about inconsistencies that they may not yet has spotted for themselves. It’s hard to do, harder to do it right.
Timing is critical. Effective confrontation can only happen after two people have had a chance to get to know each other. As a counselor, spouse family member or friend, you know that first impressions are often off base and almost always superficial. It takes some time to feel into another person’s experience and even more time to sense when they are ready to face and work through their more difficult issues. People need some time to size up whether the counselor is competent, caring and honest. It takes time to build trust, but only trust can allow the person to accept and integrate information that might be frightening, even painful. Appropriate confrontation can only happen in an atmosphere of trust. How many of you can do this? This is exactly why “Boundaries” are important.
There are two main circumstances in which we might offer confrontation, two very different kinds of inconsistencies: those between what we say and how we feel, and those between what we say and what we do. Sometimes a person tells you they feel a particular way, but their voice, facial expression, posture and the general feelings you are getting from them seem to be saying something else. If you feel the person is ready to take another step in self-understanding, you might choose to tell them what you’ve noticed, and what you think it might mean. I have used this when working with a spouse who refuses to believe that anyone else can care for her husband who has Alzheimer’s disease. On the one hand they are exhausted and their doctor has said “Your going to have another heart attack” and on the other hand they still hold onto the belief that they can continue to do the job. If you offer empathy, remember to be sure to own your inferences, present them tentatively, and gracefully accept correction from the person. Your role is to invite self-exploration, not to compel it.
Other times, a person tells you they want or believe one thing, but their behavior seems unlikely to bring them to that goal, or to be inconsistent with those beliefs. They don’t seem to you to be walking their talk. Again, confrontation means telling them about the inconsistency that you perceive, caringly and as gently as possible.
Here are some sensible guidelines for confronting inconsistent behavior. Pick a calm and grounded moment for both of you. Speak gently. Only address one or two key areas at a time. More is more than a person can process at once. Only discuss things the person realistically could change. Be as specific as you can about how the behavior is interfering with the person’s stated beliefs or goals. Do not confront someone as a family or couple. This must be done one on one to begin with. Check that communication was clear. Have the person restate what you said if possible. Allow time for discussion of what you have presented. Be prepared to handle a defensive or angry initial reaction. Be as firm and as patient as stone.
When working one-on-one with an individual, about either feelings or behavior, never confront them unless you are willing to deepen your involvement with them. Normally, offering loving confrontation means volunteering to be there with the person as they work through the implications of whatever they learn from what you share with them. It means volunteering to be even closer to them than you were before.
